12/05/2009

The Brit Awards - a serial

The Brit Awards is an annual ceremony held every February in London to honour the stars of the British Music Industry. Tracing its history back to 1977, when it was intended to be a one-off occasion, it was decided in 1982 to hold the event annually due to the vast advertising revenue earned by the hosting television station during the broadcasting of the programme and it has continued every year since then.

Acid Rabbi has been watching the ceremony every year since the first one. What a very sad git he is.

1977 Held at the Wembley Conference Centre in honour of the Queen's Silver Jubilee. The Beatles (hyped-up Liverpudlian group who released a handful of intersting records nearly ten years previously) win the main prize. The Sex Pistols are not invited to perform God Save the Queen, which is odd since they were the very epitome of the uninteresting, manufactured boy band the Brits later became famous for honouring. People who think the Pistols were in any way interesting, controversial and revolutionary need only listen to Crass to see the error of their ways.


1982 First of the annual Brit Award ceremonies, held at the Grosvenor Hotel. John Lennon wins the main prize, but is unable to collect it in person due to being dead. His widow Yoko Ono is likewise unable to collect it in person because nobody can stand the tripe-faced crone and so she wasn't invited.

1983 The Beatles win the main prize. Again.

1984 Main prize won by George Martin, The Beatles' producer. Brit organisers shocked to hear new British music has been produced since The Beatles'welcome demise 14 years previously.

1987 Kate Bush wins a prize, and while watching her performance I discover what happens if you touch yourself.

Mick Fleetwood steals the souls of several audience members, ready for later consumption.

1989 Absolutely everything that could possibly go wrong does in a show presented by The Sun's page 3 stunna Samantha "DD" Fox and Mick Fleetwood - who looks like a cross between an evil hypnotist and a haunted tree - of long-forgotten purveyors of boredom Fleetwood Mac. Most people think that the debacle will lead to the Brit Awards Ceremony being abolished, but tragically they're incorrect.


1991 Utterly poo Betty Boo does the do and wins an award, proving that pop music has lost any cultural worth it may ever have possessed. She was really cute, though.

KLF frontman Bill Drummond fires a machine gun into the crowd, prior to leaving a dead sheep in the exhibition centre. Good to see that pop stars still provide a positive example for our children, if you ask me. He's smoking too - good man.


1992 Some very strange people called the KLF team up with charming old folks' favourites Extreme Noise Terror and fire blanks from a machine gun into the audience. Unfortunately, no record industry bigwigs or celebrities were injured in the ensueing panic. Later, they leave a dead sheep in the entrance foyer - nobody knows why. They share their award with Simply Red, who unsurprisingly don't do anything like that. REM win Best International Group award and have been releasing records that sound exactly the same ever since in the hope of winning another one.


1993 REM's plan works - they win the Best International Group award again.


1994 Irritatingly squeaky Icelandic hamster-woman cross Björk wins two prizes. British Björk fans are suprised to learn that she is not, despite her infantile behaviour, nine years old but had previously enjoyed limited indie fame in somewhat boring punk band The Sugarcubes as long ago as 1957. The ceremony is hosted by transexual model RuPaul, who is made to look butch and masculine by co-host Elton "Wow, My Hair Grew Back!" John. Take That win Best Song and Best Video awards with Pray, despite the fact that both the song and the video are crap.


1995 REM win Best International Group award again. The British record-buying public are slightly shocked when told that REM are in fact not the only music group to have originated outside the UK's borders.


1996 Jarvis Cocker, of briefly-popular indie pop group Pulp, invades the stage to disrupt Michael Jackson's sickening Earth Song performance, and in doing so guarantees himself a place in heaven and the hearts of all people worldwide.

Right, that's your lot for now. More next time I can't think of anything to write about.

No comments:

Post a Comment