The end is nigh! Mayan apocalypse crop circle appears

A crop circle, measuring some 350 feet (107 metres) across and shaped like an ancient Mayan symbol said to represent imminent apocalypse, has mysteriously appeared in a field next to Silbury Hill.

The crop circle has got many "experts" quivering with so much excitement they can't even skin up.

Silbury Hill, near Avebury in Wiltshire, stands 130 feet high and as such is the tallest prehistoric structure in Europe. The Mayan civilisation, which ended around 900AD, is famous for being the only pre-Columbian society to have invented a developed written language and for the remarkable accuracy of its calendar. The present period in the 'long count' version of the calendar, which marks out vast stretches of time, is due to come to an end on December the 21st, 2012 - a date when, according to the same sort of people who believe that aliens regularly abduct humans and that crystals have healing powers, Very Bad Shit is going to happen, man. Some members of the crop circle community - also the type to believe in aliens and to like dolphins a little more than is normal - claim that the crop circle is identical to the symbol used to mark that event.

One crop circle fan said: "It is definitely a Mayan symbol and we are sure it is linked to the Mayan calendar, which ends in 2012. "It appears to be a warning about the world coming to an end when the calendar does. For the ancient Maya, reaching the end of a cycle was a momentous event, so we are taking this crop circle very seriously as an indicator of a possibly huge event in 2012." That's, like, really heavy stuff, right?

Crop circle enthusiasts have put forward several differing theories as to what causes the strange patterns, which have been appearing regularly in British fields since the late 1970s, though much earlier records are known. One of the most oftenheard is that they are caused by UFOs, either when they land or by some kind of beam used to collect samples of the plants. Others put them down to so-called Earth Energies (often related to the kind that causes leylines, apparently) and orgone, a hypothetical form of energy.

Some people believe crop circles are created by unusual forms of wind.

Those of a more practical (and, some would say, less stupid) mindset suggest they are more likely to be created by natural processes such as unusual forms of lightning or wind. Or mating hedgehogs, rather memorably.

Acid Rabbi falls into the second camp: we believe that they are indeed caused by a naturally-occurring phenomenon - hippies.

More on the orange UFOs

Well, seems I had no chance of seeing those orange UFOs no matter how near to Huntingdon I was on Sunday night, because the people who saw them saw them on Wednesday last week. Which just happens to be the same day that friends of Kim Huckle, a Huntingdon resident who died at the age of 53, released Chinese lanterns into the sky to mark her passing. What a coincidence.

Car ripped apart by mystery creature?

A North Carolina family has spoken of their fear after claiming a mystery animal ripped apart their SUV. Holly Gilliam, mother and owner of the vehicle, claims that the most worrying thing is that none of the family heard or saw anything.

The animal tore out the headlights and smashed up the bodywork. Then it made a load of muddy pawprints on the paint and fucked off. Hmm. Have a look at the video, which you can find on the news report by clicking this link.

Now that looks to me as though it'd make a lot of noise. I sleep deeply (due to having no conscience) but I reckon I'd wake up...unless, of course, I was unconscious due to having enjoyed a beer or twenty.

Picture this. You go out, have a few too many, drive your shiny new SUV into a wall and smash it up. It still works, so you drive home and fall into bed where you fall into a deathlike sleep for twelve hours. Waking up with the mother of all hangovers, you blearily look outside. WTF? My car!

Shit - what're you gonna do? No way the insurance is going to pay out if they know you were drink-driving, and you can't claim it was vandalised by the teenager down the road because the neighbours would have heard something. I know! Quick, before anyone else sees it, get the dog and press its paws on the body panels, then phone up the insurance agency and say a mystery animal did it! Genius - well, for a redneck, at any rate.