How Violent Are You?

Horizon, BBC2, 9pm Tues 12th May.

Micheal Portillo is, of course, keen to demonstrate to us all what a delightful sort of chap he is and how we were all wrong when we thought he was a horrible Tory arsehole. As has been the case with his previous efforts at presenting television programmes (Death of a School Friend, How to Kill a Human Being and When Michael Portillo Became a Single Mum (hey, Tory MPs have done far weirder things than change sex), it looks rather as though he'll be using this one as yet another opportunity to show that he is, in fact, a caring, sensitive and all round really rather nice Tory arsehole.

However, in what is being called a diverting voyage of discovery, he asks the question: could he ever be sufficiently provoked as to cause him to violently lash out?

I think quite a few of us could, Mikey boy. Wouldn't take a lot of provocation, either. Just you, someone who takes an interest in UK politics, a dark alley and no witnesses. ;-)

AcidQuickie

Few witches carry out traditional witchy magical activities in modern times,
having discovered they can make a much better living writing books on herbal
medicine and advertising mobile phone companies.

We watched a programme on the telly last night about witch hunting in Africa. Now, this is no laughing matter because the phenomenon has led to the brutal murder and horrific mutilation of thousands of people, including children so let's not beat about the bush and claim it's just a part of the culture in those areas where it takes place and which therefore should be respected - the people responsible for it are superstitious fools who are really no better than their medieval European counterparts. That, of course, will not prevent Acid Rabbi squeezing a joke out of it.

Thing is though, they really believe that their victims are witches and capable of all manner of witchy stuff such as summoning up evil spirits, turning people into animals and so forth. Does it not occur to them that, if someone really did have those powers, they'd be very unlikely to allow a witch hunter to get anywhere near them, let alone torture and execute them?

"I accuse you of being a witch, and you shall be put to death!"
"Can't argue with the first part...ALAKAZAM!"
"Ribbet."

Rick Stein, Celebrity Chef

I quite like Rick Stein; or at least I don't want to stab him in the face, cut him into four and bury each piece in a separate location which is what I'd like to do with most of the other celebrity chefs at any rate - except for Jamie Oliver and Nigella Lawson, for whom I have a far worse fate in mind ("Oh Nigella, er...oh, no, it's ok. I just prefer my food without your cleavage in it." Incidentally, does she have any unattractive friends? Whenever she has a dinner party on the television, it looks like an swimwear model's get-together. No offence to my mates but if I had a dinner party it'd look like the Chamber of Horrors had come to life and re-enacting a chimp's tea-party).

He cooks well, and his programmes usually have quite a bit of filler material in which we get to see whichever part of the world he's visiting, local agricultural/fishing (he specialises in fish)/people and so on and so forth, so it's all quite watchable really and he's not an arse-faced cretin like Gary Rhodes either. He's not as good as Gordon Ramsay (say what you like about Ramsay, the man and cook and his Kitchen Nightmares USA programme is eminently watchable because a Brit - I'm sure he thinks of himself as British rather than Scottish - shouting and swearing at an American always will be eminently watchable) but, all in all, he's OK until something better comes on.

I'm beginning to think that he could do with a big cup of shut the fuck up though after I watched him on some cable channel or another the other night (no idea what channel it was, everybody just flicks through in that semi-hypnotised state now that we all have 40+ channels to choose from), doing a programme from Puglia in Italy. Direct to camera, Rick was heard to say, "I don't suppose the food of this region has changed very much since Roman times." Well Rick. You're the expert, being a chef and all. I always imagined the introduction of tomatoes, potatoes and pasta would have had at least a recognisable effect on Italian food but hey, obviously I was wrong.