BNP ballot box worries

We suppose when the vast majority of people hate you and everything you stand for - as is, thankfully, still the case for the extreme right-wing British National Party - it's easy to slip into a paranoid persecution complex. Having said that, paranoia is not always an imagined fear, of course. In the BNP's case their worries are very real and leader Nick Griffin knows it - he wouldn't last five minutes on Britain's streets without his security and that's why a phalanx of large, stocky men accompany him wherever he goes. Precisely why the vitriol spat at him from all quarters isn't enough to make him realise that his particular brand of hate-fuelled politics is in direct opposition to everything the British electorate hold dear is a mystery. Maybe he took one too many punches to the head whilst boxing at Cambridge, or maybe he's just a nasty fascist scumbag who is so desperate for any sort of power he carries on in blissful ignorance.

"We know it happens. We just can't prove it," says BNP spokesman John Walker, refusing to admit the reason the BNP don't get many votes is because they're a bunch of Nazi thugs and anyone with any sense hates them.

News came last week that Nick and his Nazis are so concerned that the British establishment and Labour Party will scupper their chances of electoral success (they're forgetting that British values and revulsion at racist politics will do that) that they've invoked the Ballot Act of 1872 which gives candidates the right to place their own seals on ballot boxes in addition to the official ones in order to prevent shadowy figures from opening them up and stealing votes for parties with which they disagree.

John Walker, a BNP spokesman, says that vote tampering has taken place in the past. "We know it happens. We just can't prove it," he claims, which rather reminds us of an LSD casualty who thinks aliens are trying to abduct them - they can't see that the reason they can't prove it is because it's not really happening.

Erm, are you forgetting something here, BNP guys and gals? We're the democrats - we believe in free elections and all that. We don't do vote rigging like you fascists. Anyway, we don't have to - the British people enjoy civil freedoms and have a long history of tolerance and multiculturalism, which means you'll never get the power you crave. For that reason, BNP seals on ballot boxes are a good thing - come the General Election, when you yet again fail to get an MP, you won't be able to pretend it's due to fraud. When that happens, you'll hopefully finally get the message and crawl back under your stones.