"I might have promised you a rose garden" tra-la-la

Nick Clegg, leader of the Liberal Democrats, stated publicly that although he had claimed £680 expenses to pay for a rose garden his intention was to later sell the property and pay any profit to the public purse.

"I've always said," he said, "well before these controversies: when I sell that home, the money, the profit, it all goes back to the taxpayer .... I will give it back." In doing so, he even managed to concoct a vaguely believable excuse, unlike all the other MPs who are currently scurrying around like chickens when the chicken shagger comes to town screeching, "Shit! They're onto us, lads - run for it!"

Now, Acid Rabbi - a lifelong LibDem voter, due to his belief that they're the least rotten apples in the barrel and that the vast majority of the population are just too stupid for anarchy to ever work - may have gone a bit easy on old Cleggy earlier today when reading his claims. Perhaps we gave him the benefit of the doubt, thinking, "Hmm, yes, maybe he did say that. Can't remember when, but just maybe the Libs are come out of this not quite so coated in and full of shite as the others. Fingers crossed. Right then - it's 10.30am...pub?"

Of course, after two decades following British politics, we all should have known a lot better and remembered that they're all as bad as each other. It goes without saying that increasing the value of a property for such altruistic reasons would be an honourable action, especially as he could quite easily pocket the cash like some MPs have been doing.

Have the LibDems been shitting on us too? Yeah - 'course they have!

The Guardian has raised the point we didn't want to bring up though. Precisely when did Clegg say this? He claims it was several months ago, but you can't help but wonder if he's just another liar, trying his hardest to wriggle his nasty little way out of trouble.

Still, we've learned our lesson. Never, ever trust the bastards.

Unethical Holidays

So-called 'ethical holidays' have become all the rage amongst hippies, lefties and the sort of people who read The Guardian in recent years. Typical examples include the following:

• Two weeks in Mauritius helping conservationists move endangered turtle eggs to a safe nature reserve where they'll be protected from poachers.
• A month in Peru, helping to build medical centres for poor kiddie with nasty diseases.
• Six days with a non-religious mission in Sao Paolo, educating street children on the dangers of gangs, guns and drugs.

However, many people require a little more excitement on their hard-earned break from the drudgery of work. These people will welcome the latest trend, Unethical Holidays.

Travel

By booking a holiday with Unethical Holidays, you are guaranteed to travel on a Boeing 747 that has been specially adapted to produce as much pollution as possible. Just to make it an even more tempting way to travel, you will be the only passenger on the plane, therefore instantly increasing your carbon footprint to the size of China's. All Unethical Holidays aircraft have been modified with the addition of bomb doors, enabling you to drop the pollutants of your choice (benzene and uranium are popular, as are Big Macs, country and western CDs and other objects likely to act as a seed for American culture) into environmentally-sensitive areas. Upon arrival, you will be taken to your hotel in a sedan chair carried by crippled orphans. And just in case you're worried that a sedan chair sounds like a non-polluting way to travel, all Unethical Holidays chairs are fitted with a detuned internal combustion engine. The engine serves no purpose other than belching out unburnt hydrocarbons and carbon monoxide, some of which are pumped straight into the faces of the crippled orphans as they carry you.

Happy Unethical Holidays customers show off some sort of animal they've just enjoyed killing.

Activities

Unethical Holidays include a range of fun activities to keep you and your family entertained during your break. Some of the more popular examples include:

• Seal Clubbing. Venture out onto the Canadian ice-floes with our professional hunters, club a few baby fur seals and have the skins made into your very own fur coat to take home as a souvenir of your holiday.
• Whale harpooning. No need to worry if you don't fancy eating whale meat, you can just harpoon them for fun! Save your appetite for when you get back to the hotel, where you can dine in our luxury restaurant that serves only hamburgers made from cattle guaranteed to have been raised on land that was, until recently, virgin rainforest.
• Track the rare Golden Marmoset. Spend three days travelling in the jungle, enjoying the comfort of your own personal SUV, provided by Unethical Holidays. There are only ten to twenty Golden Marmosets left in the wild - and when you see one, you can shoot it.
• Beggar kicking. Spend a whole day in the most deprived areas of a Third World city kicking beggars. Unethical Holidays will supply you with protective clothing so you can even kick lepers!
• Whip-bearer at a Chinese power-station construction site. Unethical Holidays will fit you out with protective clothing and breathing equipment so you can enjoy whipping the entirely-unprotected labourers building another fantastic coal-fuelled station. All labourers are either political prisoners or Korean immigrants.
• Heroin Dealing. One of Unethical Holidays' most popular entertainments, you get to spend a whole day selling this popular illegal drug (cut with powdered bleach) to poor children in city slums.

Unethical Holidays do all the hard work for you, you can just relax and enjoy the fun. What's more, all the entertainments are available at all of the holiday locations - for example, if you decide you'd like to club some seals while at Unethical Holidays' Peruvian resort as a change from Golden Marmoset tracking, don't worry. Unethical Holidays will charter an aeroplane to import a selection of seals for you to club!

Seal clubbing is an especially popular entertainment with younger customers. Here's little Tommy Braithwaite's favourite memory of his holiday .

Previous Unethical Holidaymakers Statements

• "Unethical Holidays are just fuckin' awesome, man! I had the best two weeks of my life culling mountain gorillas in Uganda! I'll be going back next year if they ain't extinct by then!" (Billy-Bob McInbreed, Texas, USA)
• "We really can't speak more highly of this company. When fox-hunting was banned here in Britain, my wife and I really thought we'd have to give up our favourite hobby. However, Unethical Holidays flew a complete hunt with horses and hounds to an East European country where we spent a happy fortnight chasing foxes and watching the hounds rip them to pieces!" (Charles Windsor, UK)
• "Now that my country has been taken over by darkies, I'm not allowed to shoot them. Unethical Holidays arranged for me to travel to war-torn Eritrea, where for just a few dollars starving black families will happily sell me their children to shoot as I please! Thank you, Unethical Holidays!" (Hans van der Vogt, S. Africa)