Tories to revitalise economy

David Cameron outlines Conservative proposals aimed at "revitalising" the British economy: "A little birdy tells me that Greece is on the rock'n'roll. So wot I'm suggestin' is me, Gorgeous George, Hatchet Hague, Boris the Blade and anovver few lads wait outside the IMF and when they come out, we duff 'em over their 'eads and scarper wiv the cash. Oh - and call me Dodgy Dave from now on, alright?"

Make the most of your poverty, folks

If any of you have been feeling the pinch in these difficult financial times, you'll no doubt be comforted by the words of Dominique Strauss-Kahn (right), the managing director of the International Monetary Fund, in his closing statements at a conference in Zurich last Tuesday. "Crisis is an opportunity," he said, explaining that the recent economic climate offers a chance to "strengthen the system and increase its resilience to recurrent crises."

Crisis in an opportunity? Well, it probably is for the likes of him and the IMF - and anyone else who does well out of capitalism. For the vast majority of the Earth's population, economic crisis is an opportunity to experience unemployment, crap food, marital break-up, explaining to children why it is they can't have a Nintendo Wii for their birthday even though Jamie next door has one and a Playstation 3, drive a wreck, massive and crippling overdraft charges, lost sleep over mortgage repayments, bailiffs, homelessness and, in some cases, suicide.

Oy vey - fat cats, eh? Really no idea about the lives of 99% of humanity whatsoever.