Tories to revitalise economy

David Cameron outlines Conservative proposals aimed at "revitalising" the British economy: "A little birdy tells me that Greece is on the rock'n'roll. So wot I'm suggestin' is me, Gorgeous George, Hatchet Hague, Boris the Blade and anovver few lads wait outside the IMF and when they come out, we duff 'em over their 'eads and scarper wiv the cash. Oh - and call me Dodgy Dave from now on, alright?"

The Axeman cometh...

"Tory proposals may result in delicate operations being performed by a crazed axeman rather than by a doctor," warn experts.

Osborne the Axeman

Torquemosborne! Chancellor announces £6.2 BILLION spending cuts. If you think THAT'S gonna hurt, just wait until he puts down his scalpel and starts with his axe

Recession still not over, despite Government reassurances

Cast your minds back to last year - remember Gordon and Alistair reassuring us that the economic crisis would all be over by July? Those newspapers that then supported the Government (ha! Good times, eh Gordon?) made a bit of thing about it all, hinting heavily that since Mr. Brown and Mr. Darling are both economists (Brown was Chancellor of the Exchequer prior to becoming PM and so he can be expected to know at least a little on the subject even if he did study history at univeristy, Darling still is) we could all sleep easy in our beds, safe in the knowledge that the two Parliamentary experts couldn't possibly be wrong.

Do Gordon and Alistair need to go back to school for some GCSE Economics classes?
Or are they just a pair of lying scumbags?

But they were - that was a bedtime story and what's more, that great big credit-crunching monster under the bed is just beginning to feel hungry. Here we are, less than 24 hours from July and guess what's happening? Green shoots of economic recovery? Hell no - it's been announced today that the UK economy shrank by 2.4% in the last quarter. That's the biggest decline in over half a century! Just last week we were warned that whereas the rest of the world will soon start seeing improvements, it's likely to get worse here. Unemployment looks set to rise again, so that soon 1 in every 10 people will be scraping by on whatever laughable amount people on the dole get these days. Now the OECD, who say that Britain is in the grips of what it calls a "severe recession," are warning the nation that our economy is going to shrink by around 4.3% over 2009 as a whole. The pound is so weak compared to the Euro that if you decide to nip over to Calais this year you won't even be able to buy the kids some of those weird French sweets, never mind load up the car with cheap fags and wine - assuming your car hasn't been repossessed, that is.

The UK's national debt currently stands at £8.5 billion in May (it was £1.8 billion for the same month in 2008), which has led Standard&Poor's to alter the country's credit rating from "triple-A stable" to "triple-A negative." Any triple-A rating is good, but the new designation means that should the nation need to borrow money, it won't be handed over with quite so much enthusiasm as previously. Think of it as the difference between a friend happily lending you £50 to see you through to the end of the week with no questions asked, because he or she knows you'll pay it back on time with no excuses, compared to having to make grave promises that you'll pay it back when you say you will because they're worried you might start being funny about it - the friend lends you the money either way, but there's a big difference.

This change is an unignorable warning that things are not going well. In addition, any further downgrade could lead to the Treasury finding itself liable for higher interest rates when repaying future borrowing.

So, far from coming out of recession as promised, it seems rather as though we're in a bit of a tight spot and the walls are closing in. Could it be that Gordon and Alistair don't know what they're talking about, or were they just bullshitting us all along?

Britain thrown back into the Stone Age

The United Kingdom telecom giant BT was forced to slash 15,000 jobs in the last year with a similar amount expected during the coming 12 months after it reported an annual loss of £134 million, along with a £1.6 billion write-down at its Global Services Unit. Previous cuts reduced the company's workforce to 147,000.

Press editor Robert Peston claims the main problem at the Unit, which counts the NHS - Britain's largest employer - and Microsoft amongst its customers, has been spiralling costs. The company has also been hit by firms seeking cheaper services during the recession. Andy Kerr, of the Communication Workers Union, said that he hoped the cuts would not involve involuntary redundancies, though this looks unlikely since it would mean the loss of a further 10% of BT's employees.

Meanwhile, Royal Mail (previously known as the General Post Office, then Royal Mail, then Consignia until they realised everyone thought it was a silly name, then Royal Mail again - at a cost of more than anyone would like to think about), the company responsible for Britain's postal service, has seen profits of £321 million in the year up to 31.03.09, almost double the previous year's figure. This is the first time Royal Mail has made a profit in two decades and comes after what chief executive Adam Crozier called a "huge effort" to modernise and improve its efficiency.

Hedge-fund manager Tarquin Boscastle has lived in a tree for six months. "House prices
have become ridiculous, and I suppose I just fancied a simpler lifestyle," he says.

Industry experts are putting the figures down to a general tendency towards Ludditism amongst the British population, with many people claiming to distrust technology such as computers which prevents them from using e-mail, making it necessary for them to communicate with others using antiquated letter-writing techniques. Sales of metal tools such as knives have also dropped dramatically in recent years, while educational organisations offering courses in flint knapping have reported a massive rise in interest. Estate agents have also reported that large numbers of people who have found the price of houses to be out of their range are electing to instead live in caves or up trees.