Bloody (alien) immigrants!

Since all the MPs are enjoying their annual three month holiday...sorry, we mean opportunity to work in their constituencies without worrying about Parliamentary debates at the moment, many of you will no doubt be scanning the day's news for anything worth reading during that boring seven hour period when you're supposed to be working. There's not much today, so thank the News Gods (by which we categorically do not mean Rupert Murdoch) that the Ministry of Defence has just seen fit to release details on a whole load of alleged UFO sightings.

One of the records concerns a UFO witnessed in full daylight in 1994. Hovering over a stage. At Glastonbury Festival.

Hmmm...


According to the BBC, Lord Hill-Norton wrote to Michael Heseltine about the so-called Rendlesham Incident, when several people at a Suffolk USAF base saw strange lights in nearby woodland; an event later covered and, it seems, embellished somewhat by various writers - including famous UFO researcher Jenny Randles - who before long had added enough gumpf to the story for it to become known as Britain's Roswell. In 2003, an ex-US Security policeman who had been employed at the base admitted that he and another man had faked the incident using torches and a loudspeaker - it is notable that all those (witnesses and writers) who claimed to have seen a craft of some description have been keeping unusually quiet on the subject ever since.

Lord Hill-Norton's letter states that the incident raises two concerns. The first was the possibility that an unknown aircraft entered British airspace with impunity. The second was the possibility that several US military staff from the base were capable of making what he called a "serious misperception."

We wonder how many employees of the USAF and other military branches voted for George W. Bush when he was competing for his second term in office? Because let's face it - if you can believe that was a wise thing to do despite the contrary evidence, you must be capable of some pretty massive misperceptions.

The end is nigh! Mayan apocalypse crop circle appears

A crop circle, measuring some 350 feet (107 metres) across and shaped like an ancient Mayan symbol said to represent imminent apocalypse, has mysteriously appeared in a field next to Silbury Hill.

The crop circle has got many "experts" quivering with so much excitement they can't even skin up.

Silbury Hill, near Avebury in Wiltshire, stands 130 feet high and as such is the tallest prehistoric structure in Europe. The Mayan civilisation, which ended around 900AD, is famous for being the only pre-Columbian society to have invented a developed written language and for the remarkable accuracy of its calendar. The present period in the 'long count' version of the calendar, which marks out vast stretches of time, is due to come to an end on December the 21st, 2012 - a date when, according to the same sort of people who believe that aliens regularly abduct humans and that crystals have healing powers, Very Bad Shit is going to happen, man. Some members of the crop circle community - also the type to believe in aliens and to like dolphins a little more than is normal - claim that the crop circle is identical to the symbol used to mark that event.

One crop circle fan said: "It is definitely a Mayan symbol and we are sure it is linked to the Mayan calendar, which ends in 2012. "It appears to be a warning about the world coming to an end when the calendar does. For the ancient Maya, reaching the end of a cycle was a momentous event, so we are taking this crop circle very seriously as an indicator of a possibly huge event in 2012." That's, like, really heavy stuff, right?

Crop circle enthusiasts have put forward several differing theories as to what causes the strange patterns, which have been appearing regularly in British fields since the late 1970s, though much earlier records are known. One of the most oftenheard is that they are caused by UFOs, either when they land or by some kind of beam used to collect samples of the plants. Others put them down to so-called Earth Energies (often related to the kind that causes leylines, apparently) and orgone, a hypothetical form of energy.

Some people believe crop circles are created by unusual forms of wind.

Those of a more practical (and, some would say, less stupid) mindset suggest they are more likely to be created by natural processes such as unusual forms of lightning or wind. Or mating hedgehogs, rather memorably.

Acid Rabbi falls into the second camp: we believe that they are indeed caused by a naturally-occurring phenomenon - hippies.

Apparently, at some point in late January, Jupiter was set on fire and, as a result, became a second sun. Extremely hippified "proof" here.

Precisely why and how this happened is a little bit of a mystery - some claim NASA did it for some reason or another (to guarantee a long, hot summer, maybe? Never mind the massive increase in global temperatures, ice cap melting, drought, famine etc that would result), others seem to think it was either some hitherto unknown process (one that allows big balls of gas with vastly insufficient mass to suddenly form a nuclear chain reaction, presumably - which explains the toxic effects of post-curry bodily functions) or those likable galactic scamps the Aliens. Could it be that the Archimandrite Luseferous is still alive, and was trying to warn the Dwellers to watch their step (non-geeks can ignore this)?

Weird shit, eh? The most amazing thing is how nobody except for a few online conspiracy theorist people noticed.

"Alien bollocks" spotted on Mars

UFO investigators are claiming they have spotted a set of alien bollocks on Mars in photographs beamed back from the planet by NASA.

At first glance, it looks like nothing more than a standard image of a Martian rocky desert, the type we have all become familiar with since the first images from the fourth planet in our solar system were published some years ago - but this image has got everyone talking after experts noticed what appears to be an enormous set of alien bollocks rising up from the landscape. The oddly-shaped geological feature , which appears to be comprised of two rocky testicles and a giant space cock, have led to speculation that it might be a set of fossilised Martian genitalia.

Internet forums are full of people chattering about the image, sent by a panoramic NASA camera known as Spirit which has been active on the planet since 2007. One alien spotter said, "The penis would be around three metres in length with the balls having a diameter of approximately 1 metre each." If its existence can be proved, this would make it the biggest bollocks ever discovered.

Another investigator pointed out that, despite the image's low resolution, the testicles appear to show some evidence of hairiness which would be in keeping with a lifeform evolved for existence in a cold and windy environment . He adds, "The question is, is the rest of the owner buried, or are they amputated from the body? We've seen bollocks on the Martian surface before, but never as clearly as this."

Could the famous 2008 Martian humanoid also be bollocks?

The famous Face on Mars photograph transmitted back to Earth by the American Viking 1 spacecraft in 1976 which appeared to show the shadowy likeness of a human face - which some people compared to that of Jesus - was also found to closely resemble bollocks when the area was re-photographed in .1998

Jenny Randles, snaggle toothed-author of several UFO investigation books, is a spokesperson for the Alien Research Society of England (ARSE), a body which looks into UFO and extra-terrestrial .phenomena. "This is most certainly an amazing image," she says. "Bearing in mind that the famed Martian Face was also shown to actually be bollocks, myself and many others will be closely investigating other unexplained Martian artifacts such as the well-known humanoid image, also sent by the Spirit camera back in January 2008, to see if those are bollocks too."