It's the usual Mailesque stuff we've all come to know and despise: a story about a woman who could be murdered after her lover was doused with acid, illustrating the supposed inherent evil of Islam and all Muslims (odd that. All the Muslims we know seem to be quite nice - and since a lot of shopkeepers are Muslims, they probably account for quite a high percentage of the Daily mails sold each day); another about a female teacher charged with sexually assaulting a schoolgirl, thereby proving beyond doubt that all gay people are evil too; a man attacked by chavs who feels "let down by the system" and - shock, horror - news that the Church of England has thrown off 2000 years of history and will now allow children born out of wedlock to be baptised at the same time as their parents get married, effectively meaning that the Church has now caught up with the rest of society and will no longer damn those who have sex before being legally declared man and wife. Oh, plus one article about a police chief being investigated following racism claims (the paper is unexpectedly not surprised that the chief in question - who also happens to be a woman - has managed to reach such a responsible position despite the supposed limitations of her sex) and another about a "racist BNP teenager" who has just been convicted of driving a pupil at his school to the brink of suicide (with a terrifying photograph of two teenagers in hoodies, the Mail's favourite enemy ever since changes in the law prevented them from printing headlines saying "We Hate Wogs") - they need to get those stories in there somewhere just in case anyone remembers the paper's sympathy and support for Hitler, Mussolini and Oswald Mosley's British fascists just before WW2; after all, though the paper is designed to appeal to a particular type of racist, racism is a dirty word nowadays and nobody likes to be called it even if they would try to stop their daughter marrying a black man.
Ever the traditionalists, the Mail's "journalists" do their utmost to keep old customs alive and one example on which they are particularly keen is stirring up hatred toward those cheese-scoffing barbarians across the Channel, the French. Never mind the fact that 50% of Brits would up sticks and bugger off to the Dordogne for a life of cheap quality wine and olives given half a chance, the Mail does everything it can to remind us Pierre's an ill-educated snail-eating slob and his wife Vianne's a slapper who, worst of all, doesn't shave her armpits. Let's not forget the Hundred Years' War either, nor Trafalgar. As a result, they've devoted several of whatever the online equivalent to column inches is to the story of a group of innocent British school children who were treated like "dangerous criminals" because they were showing 'flu-like symptoms before being booted out of the Republic. "Go back to your disease-ridden country!" they were allegedly told - wonder what would happen if a coachload of French kids showed up at Dover for their yearly exchange visit with signs of a highly contagious disease right in the middle of a nation-wide panic-demic? (Ooh, have any of the red-tops thought of "panic-demic" yet? That could be worth trademarking before they start printing the "false alarm" stories... Ed.)
That's not all they have to say on the topic of Jean le Foreigneur today either - it seems dear old Blighty is on the brink of being invaded by thousands of Frenchies "carrying potentially fatal diseases" too. But, just for once, the Mail's not taking a pop at immigrants - or not human ones at any rate. These plague vectors are chipmunks, no less. Apparently, the little devils have been spreading across Europe in much the same manner as Albanian gypsies and have already reached Paris, which is good timing on their behalf because they'll be there to see Bradley Wiggins (allez!) on the winner's podium following the last stage of the Tour de France on Sunday. French experts say that the animals, which can carry rabies and the ticks that cause Lyme's disease, will soon get as far as Calais where they could sneak aboard vehicles and hitch a lift over here.
Bloody foreigners! I expect they'll be pickpocketing, stealing our credit card details and taking jobs from hard-working British people too, not to mention living in all the council houses and putting a burden on our cash-starved NHS. You know chipmunks aren't Christians, don't you? - it'll only be a matter of time before our politically-correct Liberal councils ban Christmas to avoid offending them.
How will you protect your children from the froggie chipmunk hordes?