Brown "hurt" by recent attacks

Prime Minister Gordon Brown has spoken of the "hurt" he has felt over recent attacks made against him, his leadership and his Government, especially those that came during the unsuccessful attempts to push him out of office that took place just after Labour's disastrous election results.

Poor Gordy's been feeling a bit sad of late. Perhaps we should all be kinder to him...nah, sod it. Let's give him hell.
Picture adapted from a Public Domain image from Wikipedia.

Mr. Brown suggests that recent weeks have been the most upsetting he has ever had to endure, adding that: "To be honest, you could walk away from all of this tomorrow," he said. "I'm not interested in what accompanies being in power. I wouldn't worry if I never returned to all those places - Downing Street, Chequers..." So remember, folks, don't give up now - we could still get rid of him. Oh, and by the way - we don't know why he said "you could walk away" rather than "I could," either.

He also indicates that he finds it hard to plan strategically. "You have to deal with immediate events, like if a bank's going to go under," he told a Guardian interviewer. That's a bit like a chef admitting they find it hard to make bechamel sauce or a rabbi who spends all day blogging about politics instead of reading the Torah - it's a basic requirement of the job. Do you think that just maybe you're the wrong man for the task, Mr. Brown? He then claims that there is a sense of "common purpose" between Lord Mandelson and himself to change the party for the better, saying "people are coming to appreciate his talents in a way the Labour party didn't before ... I think there's a great affection for him now." That may be true amongst his new Cabinet, formed of MPs either too moronically loyal or depressingly spineless to stand up to him in any way, but many back-benchers and the electorate absolutely loathe Mandelson, believing him to be nothing more than the slimy little toe-rag a look at the various scandals he's been involved in seem to suggest he is.

However, despite his introspection, he still seems unaware that the public have lost all trust in Parliament and are very unlikely to ever regain it. "You're in that period between the implementation of your policy and the delivery of it," he says, evidently believing that the horse might be hiding under a strand of straw at the back of the stable somewhere and he bolted the door just in the nick of time. Unfortunately, Mr. Brown's time in office will forever be remembered as the time when Parliament fell apart, revealing corruption and rotteness within so that the British people realised once and for all that MPs can never be trusted.

"Foreign policy can never be the same again," he believes, adding that "you cannot have Rwanda again ... foreign policy can no longer be the province of just a few elites." This week's terrible events in Iran, he says, are "a reminder of the way that people are using new technology to come together in new ways to make their views known." Oh yes, Mr. Brown - we're onto you. What's more, it's now possible for us to access far larger amounts of information than either your Government or any other has ever allowed us in the past. That means we can form our own opinions, rather than being steered in the direction that the Government wants us to take.

He has also said that he is considering a radical career move when he leaves office, possibly going into teaching. For God's sake, Gordon, you have kids of your own - do you know what evil little bastards children are? If you've found the last few weeks upsetting you're not going to last two minutes in a classroom. Children are not innocent beings full of happiness and light; they're horrible, vicious, vindictive little demons who will ceaselessly and without mercy attack you every minute of every school day for any weakness or physical defect they believe you to have. Things thought by children to be examples of weakness and physical defects include: being famous, having an accent (Scottish children will not hesitate to savagely rip the piss out of you for having a Scottish accent), having a surname that can be in any way even remotely connected to body functions ("Brown" is going to make you an irresistably easy target) and being a teacher. Basically, imagine yourself in a Commons debate. Now, instead of reasonably civilised adult human beings who can generally be silenced with a single "Order" from the Speaker, imagine that you are surrounded by around 30 criminally-minded midgets, each of whom has a pathological hatred for you and all you represent, all of them avidly awaiting their first chance to stab you with an HB pencil which they almost certainly poked into some dog turd on the schoolfield during playtime because you taught them about bacteria last week and they now know what e-coli does. We're talking about people (for want of a more accurate term) even more psychotic than some of the weirdest independent back-benchers here.

Then, if you even so much as dare to raise your voice to one of them, they'll tell their multiply-Asbo'd father (who hasn't had a job since he was made redundant in 2008 and blames you personally for it) that you touched them inappropriately so then he'll be waiting at the school gates for you the next morning wanting "a little word", which, in case you're not familar with popular slang amongst the English working classes, translates as "to kick so many shades of shit out of you that shittologists will declare it a major scientific breakthrough". For f*ck's sake mate, nobody likes you but we wouldn't wish that sort of life on anyone, not even you. Get yourself on the guest speaker circuit like all the other retired PMs do - if you've been upset by the last few weeks, you definitely haven't got the guts for teaching.


  1. Good stuff about his teaching idea. I can't believe he was serious when he said that (for all the reasons that you stated!)

  2. I'm put in mind of supply teachers we took a dislike to when I was at school. Some of them didn't even last a single lesson - one of them in fact told us that he'd gone into teaching after 40 years in a different job, but a one hour lesson with us had been sufficient to make him change his mind. I feel awful about that now, but we thought it was so impressive when we were thirteen.