Cattle and cattle mutilation

All that talk about Nazi cows got me thinking about one of my favourite subjects - that mysterious phenomenon, Cattle Mutilation. I love cattle mutilation not because I'm some UFO-obsessed nut but because it fits rather nicely with my opinion (friends of Acid Rabbi will tell you that as far as I'm concerned, everyone is entitled to my own opinion and I can only asume you agree otherwise you wouldn't be reading my blog nahwoodcha?) that people will believe any old bullocks so long as it supports some bullshit they wish to believe in, in this case the idea that aliens are visiting Earth and conspiracy theories.

Here we see some aliens abducting cows. Those ker-razy aliens, huh? Photo credit: Mrs. Rabbi's "I'm not paranoid, I just want to know who's at the door" CCTV camera.

So for those of you who have actual jobs and can't spend all day trawling the depths of the Internet like I do, in which case you may not be familar with cattle mutilation, here's the lowdown:

Sometimes, dead mutilated cows are found in fields. Because this happens most often in the USA, people put the blame on aliens (by which they mean space aliens, not Mexicans) - here in Blighty, farmers would blame badgers and demand the right to cull them. Interesting 'facts' concerning cattle mutilation:

  • The cows have cuts showing a great degree of surgical precision, leading some 'experts' to suggest they have been mutilated with high-power cutting lasers rather than knives.
  • The cows have sometimes been marked with fluorescent paint, presumably to make them easier to find in the dark.
  • Humans, as well as cows, have been victims.

However, looking more closely at cattle mutilation cases, the following points come to light:

  • Veterinary surgeons and people who know what they're talking about (ie; not UFO buffs) who have inspected mutilated cattle claim that the cows have actually been cut up with normal Earth-knives. Of course, it might just be that the NSA/MI5/insert shadowy government department of your choice tell them to say this. Or the laser idea could be a load of crap. Who knows, eh?
  • When tested, the paint was discovered to be not some amazing alien paint but normal Earth-paint, the type that comes in an aerosol can and can be bought in any car-spares shop. Either the aliens nip in to their local Halfords on the way to a mutilation or the mutilations are carried out by a different group of entities that commonly carry paint aerosols. Like, maybe, bored teenagers. Anyway, why would aliens need fluorescent paint to find cows in the dark? They can fly across galaxies and have death rays and other cool futuristic stuff so surely they'd know about infra-red cameras, right? A ton of live beef chucks out some serious body heat, it'd be bloody hard to miss on IR.
  • There is absolutely no evidence of humans ever being the victims. Of course, 'believers', (or, as I prefer to refer to them, 'gullible fools'), will put this down to the NSA again - after all, let that sort of thing out into public knowledge and you'll have mass panic, right? Odd how we don't have mass panic then, seeing as how billions of UFO books are sold every year and UFOs are one of the most searched-for topics on the Net.

Meanwhile, Prof. Thomas Oldefart PhD (Starchild University, San Francisco, USA) has put forward the theory that cattle mutilations are the result of botched alien barbecue parties. One wonders why they don't just nip into Tesco for a few burgers and some sausages while they're buying their spray-paints. Maybe aliens are just really stupid, even if they have got hyper-drives and teleporters and the like - I expect they buy it all in PC World, on one of these visits to the local retail park. Actually, maybe they get their night-vision gear in PC World too, which explains why it doesn't work and they need the fluorescent paint. Another scientist, Professor Boris Anothermadeupnamevitch, claims that the cows actually self-mutilate because they are emos (emooos) and nobody understands them, except for Marilyn Manson.

Oh, and one other thing while I'm on the subject - don't worry, I'll finish up soon and you can get back to Googling porn or looking at tired memes involving cats with hilarious captions - Alien Abduction. What I want to know is why is the technology on UFOs reported by aductees always similar to contemporary technology? The first abductees, back in the 1950s, said they'd seen machines with rotating drum read-outs, magentic tape storage and so on. By the '60s, the aliens had television screens, which most people were now familiar with. In the 70s, they'd got great big computers, much like the ones people saw on the telly. Nowadays, they have LCD screens, micro-computers and so on and so forth. Why don't these beings, with the technology to cross the vast empty reaches of space, have technology superior to that found on Earth at any one point? Do they hide it, or could it be that the abductees are either lying or imagining things?

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