Tories to pay back expenses

In yet another transparent attempt to improve his party's image amongst voters, David "Spud-U-Like" Cameron has announced a massive overhaul of what Conservative Party MPs can claim as expenses, which will see all shadow cabinet ministers whose expenses have been questioned forced to pay back what they've claimed for.

We've already had one pic of Arseface Cameron on the blog today so it'd be unfair
to inflict another on you. Here's a cuddly ginger kitten instead. Awwwww! Tell
you what - if kitty here fancies standing as an MP, he's got my vote.

Tory MPs will in future only be allowed to claim for the basic costs of their second homes, such as rent and utility bills, but will be prevented from claiming for home improvements such as decoration. There will also be new regulations tightening up the definition of such properties, preventing them from avoiding tax when they sell the properties.

Meanwhile, the MPs who made claims to cover the costs of maintaining their swimming pools - this being something the media (including Acid Rabbi) have got themselves into a right old two-and-eight about - have voluntarily agreed to pay back the money. But would they have done, had the Daily Telegraph not got hold of the leaked expenses report? And that, Dave me old mucker - he loves being talked to like that, makes him feel he's one of the lads - is what we are all so fucking annoyed about. None of you would have done the slightest thing if this had all been kept hush-hush, would you? You'd have just kept right on letting us foot the bills for your really rather pleasant lifestyles, even though your basic individual salary is £31,967 more than our average family income of £32,799. You would, wouldn't you?

You see, the thing is, other than second homes for those ministers who live a long way away from London - and only for those ministers, not for the ones who live a few hours' drive away, like plenty of commuters do - we really don't think you deserve any expenses at all. Most of us don't get the opportunity to have someone else subsidise our lives, and most of us earn a hell of a lot less money than you. Maybe there's a politician who hasn't claimed anything, who thinks that over £60k pa is a pretty good wage and finds it to be enough to finance his or her lifestyle. If so, that minister deserves serious respect, if not beatification as a saint. The rest of them owe us all a massive apology, if not a beating.