A Typical Saturday in Cambridge...WAR!

Left: Independents. Right: Guardianistas.

In scenes that have become all too familiar to residents of the damp fenland city, Cambridge was once again rocked by tribal warfare yesterday as warring middle-class tribes met and battled for supremacy over of the disputed Parker's Piece region.

A group of warriors from the Independent tribe, said to have been hunting for sun-dried tomatoes and mozzarella, ran into an ambush laid by the fearsome Guardianistas, Cambridge's most populous ethnic group, who were armed with classical literature and boxes of Rooibosh tea. At first, representatives from both tribes performed traditional ritualised drum contests but when this failed to achieve an understanding over disagreements between the two groups' understanding of the Brown Government's fiscal policies violence broke out, rapidly escalating into what the United Nations are calling the worst tribal conflict since the 1994 Rwandan warfare between the Tutsi and the Hutu groups.

Neighbouring towns and cities have begun to prepare for a massive influx of refugees.